7-Apr-2006

I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks and I feel it like a huge weight on my shoulders.

My ADHD has been in full swing for the last week. If I force myself to sit still somewhere I get really bored and tired. If I go do something I have more energy than I know what to do with. I can’t concentrate or do anything for a long period of time… I haven’t been like this in years (or at least not this bad).

I think I know why, or least a reason why. I don’t want to be in school anymore. This has nothing to do with me not doing well (3.97 last quarter) or not liking my major (last quarter really got me interested agian), I just don’t want to do it anymore. I constantly feel like I’m doing tricks for other people. The first thing my mom asks me when I talk to here (the very first thing) is “how is school?”. Not how are you, not hows life… no no… how is school. My dad persits on asking me about work constantly. I made the mistake of telling him how much my CO-OP would have hired out of and he’s been on that for a week now (as a junior in college they would have hired me for ~69k). Of course the female aspect of my personal life is constantly on trial too… but that is outside the scope of this rant.

For the longest time, I managed to make this college and career thing about me (since I went into a major my parents knew nothing about and both wanted me to go into other majors). Somehow they managed to weasel their way in and make it about them. I’ve gone back to being their trophy that they pass around the workplace and family. You’d think my life was theirs they way they treat me. And of course the root of all this as an effort by me to greatly strengthen my relationships with my parents (which I had all but severed for the previously mentioned problems). It was a great idea (probably because I wasn’t the one who originally came up with it, it was encouraged by someone else)… but it freaking exploded and now I just want to quit. I can’t go back on what I’m doing and just push my parents away again… telling them to but out of my life just doesn’t work… so now I just want to quit. All in favor: “Aye”… All opposed: “[conscience] Nay!”… Anyone have a magic pill that kills your conscience?