“Umm… a moment of your time please…”

What does it take for people to truly understand themselves? I (not so silently and not often to myself) chuckle when ever someone comes to a major life “realization”. Thats not to say I think people can’t realize something about their lives… but so often this realization comes from them “thinking about *it* a lot and [they] just figured some things out.” I’m certainly not one to doubt the power of the mind but can you really figure out who you are just by thinking about it? Your thoughts, your wants, your dreams are controlled by who you want to be as much as who you are so where is that realization really coming from? There is an episode in the TV show firefly that presents the theory that you can only see who you really are in moments of pure pain and terror… I think I’m doing to dull that a bit and say that people are only themselves in moments in which they have no control… in those moments you can figure out who you are… otherwise I really think you are only figuring out who you want to be (which is as self defeating as it is obvious).

So who am I? I’ll let you all know the next time I’m in a torture chamber… Actually, I think this is the hardest thing a person can learn and I highly doubt anyone before the age of 40 or 50 can really have a grasp on the idea (despite the experience anyone *thinks* they have). More than that… I think this is a calling God has for all of us. Christ knew all of our hearts long before we were here and He knows the people we are and will become but I think it is just as important for us to know ourselves… otherwise how can we be true Christians? There is path that God wants us on. Some may walk it on the outside but it is infinitely more important to walk it with your thoughts and wants. Those who don’t do the latter are the worst kind of “Christian”… no matter how hard they try they’ll always teach the wrong lessons to others.

North Carolina isn’t really getting better. I’d love to go out with some of the other interns but for the most part they all have room mates themselves and have their own lives. My landlord invited me over to his house on the 4th to have dinner with his family. That was actually nice… and mildly surprising. He invited me over because he knew I’m living alone and he has 2 sons that are 19 and 23(?) and thought I’d be interested in doing something with them. Turns out they’re a very Christian family and go to a converted Baptist church called Journey. As far as I was able to ask the church is based in scripture and is said to be pretty progressive which is nice considering the churches I’ve found are what you would envision a southern Baptist church to be… not exactly a frightful thing but I’m truly turned off by over the top evangelism. So I might go check this church out on Sunday… may be a little difficult since Theresa will be around (and the last time I took her to church she wasn’t exactly thrilled).

[Ha… Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” just came up on my playlist.]

I have a prayer request from everyone. My grandfather has been sent back to the ICU for a third time. They managed to clean out the pneumonia the first time and the viral the second, but now one of the micro valves that was inserted a number of years ago because of a staff infection is failing. I can’t get any updates on his condition because his wife has told the hospital that no information is to be given to anyone but her (the hospital denies having him as a patient when we call) so I don’t even know what to pray for today. Of course I want him to stay with us, but I don’t know what kind of life he’ll be able to have if he ever gets out (he has been there since April) and as much as I love him and want him here I can’t ask to have him live in pain. So I guess we just pray for God’s plan to take its course?

Well, thats enough for now. I have to get back to work.