7-Apr-2006

I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks and I feel it like a huge weight on my shoulders.

My ADHD has been in full swing for the last week. If I force myself to sit still somewhere I get really bored and tired. If I go do something I have more energy than I know what to do with. I can’t concentrate or do anything for a long period of time… I haven’t been like this in years (or at least not this bad).

I think I know why, or least a reason why. I don’t want to be in school anymore. This has nothing to do with me not doing well (3.97 last quarter) or not liking my major (last quarter really got me interested agian), I just don’t want to do it anymore. I constantly feel like I’m doing tricks for other people. The first thing my mom asks me when I talk to here (the very first thing) is “how is school?”. Not how are you, not hows life… no no… how is school. My dad persits on asking me about work constantly. I made the mistake of telling him how much my CO-OP would have hired out of and he’s been on that for a week now (as a junior in college they would have hired me for ~69k). Of course the female aspect of my personal life is constantly on trial too… but that is outside the scope of this rant.

For the longest time, I managed to make this college and career thing about me (since I went into a major my parents knew nothing about and both wanted me to go into other majors). Somehow they managed to weasel their way in and make it about them. I’ve gone back to being their trophy that they pass around the workplace and family. You’d think my life was theirs they way they treat me. And of course the root of all this as an effort by me to greatly strengthen my relationships with my parents (which I had all but severed for the previously mentioned problems). It was a great idea (probably because I wasn’t the one who originally came up with it, it was encouraged by someone else)… but it freaking exploded and now I just want to quit. I can’t go back on what I’m doing and just push my parents away again… telling them to but out of my life just doesn’t work… so now I just want to quit. All in favor: “Aye”… All opposed: “[conscience] Nay!”… Anyone have a magic pill that kills your conscience?

1-Apr-2006

I’m having some serious issues motivating myself to do my homework and study this quarter.

Isn’t family history fun!

I found out something interesting about my family (specifically my Dad’s). Apparently, his family (and of course myself) has a genetic predisposition to clinical depression. My parents never thought to tell me… I found out through a cousin who told me that my Dad was on anti-depressants (which I also didn’t know).

Of course I had to ask for how long… she said, “off an on for as long as I can remember.” My reaction was slightly less than knowing, and her response was, “you didn’t know?”
“Clearly not.”
“Oh. Our entire family takes anti-depressants every once in a while.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the doctors say our family is ‘genetically predisposed.'”
“Oh… thats nice.”
“It’s no big deal, really.”
“Unless you don’t know about it, then it kinda gets in the way of life.”
“Well, ya there’s that. Your Dad didn’t tell you?”
“Clearly not.”

For those of you keeping score… this is now 3 major life altering things that my parents haven’t told me about (albeit the only one that really effects me now). First, I had a better than most chance of having spinal or brain damage due to some unfortunate events in the womb. Second, in 3rd grade I had my brain tested for defects and toumors, the results of which put me on Ritalin and subsequently Aderol then Silert. And now I apparently have a genetic predisposition to a chemical imbalance in my head that makes me perpetually unhappy.

I have to say I’m less than enthused at this news… however, it does make a lot of things make a lot of sense. From what I’ve gathered from my cousin and somethings that I’ve been reading up on, the serotonin and noradrenaline levels in me (assuming I also have the condition, which is probably a safe bet) are only slightly out of balance making me more likely to enter a depressed state and remain there for a prolonged period of time. The levels aren’t so far off that my family is in a constant state of depression, its just easier for us to get that way and stay there. To me it reads like a mild form of bipolar disease, but I guess the mood swings aren’t severe enough.

“When the night has come, and the land is dark…”

I’ve learned something very interesting today. Anyone who says that different religions are just different manifestations of the same teachings from the same God and are just tailored to a culture are utterly and completely wrong. I went to an Islamic mosk today with a friend of mine. I had nothing better to do and I’m a pretty open person so I thought I would go and learn. It was pretty obvious that everyone there knew that I wasn’t Muslim, even worse they looked upon me with pitty. I realize later (from a “sermon” someone was giving) that this was because I don’t subscribe to the ideas and methodologies from the Koran and because of that they believe I’m doomed to “hellfire”. I thought about this for a second and realized that had my friend come to a Christian church with me, the congregation (if they knew he wasn’t Christian) would look upon him in the exact same way. Since a Muslim doesn’t believe that Christ is the son of God (in fact, they see Christ only as a “middle man” in Christianity), my friend is forever doomed to hell.

From this came two very sad realizations. First, if God manifested himself to different peoples differently but equally, we would not believe each other to be destined for an eternity of pain in the most unthinkable place. That just isn’t possible. If God meant for us to have our own customized faith, then we wouldn’t be called to bring others to Him nor would we find fault in another’s belief system. Second, and no less important but slightly more confusing, good and righteous people all over the world are condemned to hell because they were brought up in a belief system that leads them away from the truth and from which there is little chance of convincing someone that they are wrong. According to Christian ideology, I can not see my friend in Heaven… not because he is evil, immoral, unclean, or uncaring… but because he doesn’t believe in Jesus Christ. This thought causes me to trip a little bit because my friend is a very good person. He does good things, helps people when they need it and sometimes when they don’t. I know this is kind of thing is not for me to question God about, but I want to.

This is directed at people who don’t actually read this… STOP CALLING ME JUST TO PITY!. I can’t exactly vent to them, it would hurt their feelings, but despite what ever people around me know of my past, I’m not the same person I was a year ago and I’m not going to jump off a bridge. Yes I’m hurting, but for the love of God you don’t need to make me feel worse. Talking to her consoles me more than some of the people who won’t leave me alone.