Where in the darkness lies, the silent tears of a man in pain.

Crying alone it is to be
never letting anyone see,
How I hurt, how I suffer
I pretend I am tougher,
It is by far the better
to seem to be the go getter.

Always trying to be bright
shelve it all for the night,
No one sees, no one knows
they see, smiles and glows,
Suffer this in utter silence
or pay the price of penance.

Bound in chains of despair
to tell all I do not dare,
Stupid me, it is my fault
because I’m always such a dolt,
Why can’t I just be normal
stand up straight and be tall.

Everyone is selfish in life. Even if they aren’t, they will be perceived to be. I claim to be a good selfless person, but sadly the truth is, because I hide it I’m probably the most selfish of all. I’ve been angry at my father for years… probably since they day I learned to say dad. He’s never been a good father to me, he was barely a husband to my mom, and a vindictive ignoramus to my brother. He left my house, and to a degree my life when I was 16, and somehow that hurt. I thought it shouldn’t so I kept it hidden away, and still do. When I was almost 18 I tried to have a relationship with him. The bulk of our conversations of the last 3 years circled around how my he disliked my mom and how much money he didn’t want to spend on me. I tried to tell him so many times that I didn’t want to hear it, that it wasn’t my business and that it wasn’t my place to mend this wound for him. Well, my mom recently moved back to Ohio and it has been easier to go to her house than suffer my dad. He called me out on it Christmas day and told his family that I was good for nothing and ungrateful. In response, I left him a letter on his kitchen table saying that I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore. I was selfish to hold on to the pain and anger, I was selfish to not visit him and listen to his woes, and now I’ve caused a rift between us that I don’t think either of us can mend. You’d think that this wouldn’t matter much to me given my history with him… I thought the same, but I cry for it now.

There is really only one person whom I can talk to, other than myself in this journal and in my thoughts. Of course in my loneliness and hurt and silence of the night I would turn to her, but she turned from me. I don’t think on purpose or for any reason other than she wanted to sleep, but she turned from me… and I cry for that too. For in the dead of the night, I’m truly only left with myself and God, who only gives comfort when it would glorify Him. His plan it great, His vision is long, and I am left alone.

25-Dec-2005

Merry Christmas everyone…

21-Dec-2005

Yay for being 21… I don’t feel any different.

12-Dec-2005

Quite possibly the most touching military poem I’ve ever heard/read. One of the better Christmas poems too…

“Merry Christmas, My Friend” by LCpl James M Schmidt, USMC, 1986

  Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.

I had come down the chimney, with presents to give
and to see just who in this home did live

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,
a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I’d seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I’d heard stories about them, I had to see more,
so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night,
owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,
because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
“Santa, don’t cry, this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps.”

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night’s chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,
with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn’t want to leave him so quiet in the night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
said “Carry on, Santa, it’s Christmas Day, all secure.”
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight .

I’ll put this at the bottom since it is far less touching, but absolutely hillarious.

“The Night Santa Went Crazy”

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he’s gettin’ a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped… in his brain

I’m so excited, I can do my whitty titles again!

Lots of thinking lately…

Question: Am I doing what I love to do? Answer: No, but then again, this CO-OP isn’t even in the department I want to work in.
Question: Am I studying what I love to do? Answer: No, but in my defense Ohio State doesn’t have an information security major nor any program that would lead me to such a place and my Mom would never have allowed me to get an associates degree (and frankly neither would I).
Question: Am I sacrificing too much to get where I want to go? Answer: Not yet…
Question: Am I capable of getting where I want to go? “Aye, there’s the rub.”

I’m not changing majors. Frankly, there is no major at an non-military school that would let me do what I really wanted to do in life so I’m already settling for something else. I don’t want to call the “the next best thing” but CSE/IS really is for me. Sadly… the network security officers are already a dieing breed even before their importance was ever recognized. I’ve read article after article about the awesomeness and creativity that information security people have and work with. But the reality is that these people are disappearing. The need for an expert has seemed to vanish in the wake of corporate America’s juggernaut. Everything is becoming to easy… security managers all have nice consoles now that they can do deep level packet analysis without even know what a freaking packet is, much less the topologies that carry the around the frikin world. With the touch of a button, a clerk who knows nothing more than how to type in word can now reverse authenticate all incoming traffic tracing back through proxy servers and in some cases even able to piggy back encrypted transmissions so they don’t have to decipher anything and get a full report of who is trying to hack you at any given moment. Information security in almost a total joke anymore to the corporate world. SOX did nothing but create a new reason to generate cost benefits reports… and here’s a surprise the cost of the possibility of being sued is actually less than the cost of securing your systems to you don’t expose information!!!! I’m a pragmatist and know that for corporations is ridiculous to think that building a new Fort Knox around your servers is a bit of overkill in the end, but (insert expletives at leisure) this information is peoples lives your are playing with. I’m half tempted to create a coalition of IS/IT managers, team them up with hackers and steal all of corporate America’s executive’s personal information and every time a company needlessly exposes a clients personal information we expose their Presidents, CEOs, CFOs, CIOs, CISOs, etc etc to the point that their identities are stolen and then they know why its important to secure their information!

I think my soap box is getting slippery…