I am, “Terrified, petrified, mortified, stupified… by you”

I’ve been thinking about some things lately… things that effect where I go for the rest of my life. Not necessarily making decisions, in fact that wasn’t my intent. I’ve just been thinking, wondering, predicting and I have to say there are some things that scare the hell out of me. Not everything about the future bothers me… just somethings I’ve never given serious thought to which made it easy to be casual about and now actually giving thought and even a little consideration to some of it scares me.

Two people already know this and I don’t suppose it matters much if the rest of the world does so I might as well put it here since its bothering me. I’ve been having some episodes lately of what I can only describe as disorientation. I’m not exactly dizzy or have a headache, its actually something kind of unique. My head gets very light, my thinking becomes a bit foggy, my vision isn’t blurry but is not exactly right either, and worst of all these are just short occurrences, they’ve lasted for several minutes at a time. It was even severe enough one day in the shower that I almost thought I was having a seizure. The strange feeling came on and I was shaking and couldn’t keep my balance nor was I able to grab on to anything to really keep myself up so I kept trying to slap the walls in an effort to redirect my motion. If it hadn’t gone away after about 30 seconds or so I would have collapsed, which would definitely have been bad. Suffice it to say, if something like that happens again or if this becomes a regular/frequent problem I’ll be going to the hospital (per a promise I’ve made). Thankfully, the last occurrence was a few days ago and was very mild, so I’m really hoping this was a passing thing.

17-Jan-2006

I had this really big post done earlier today with lots of insight and explanation of myself… it was quite revolutionary however I forgot that I disable the ability in firefox to ask if you really what to quit when you have multiple tabs open… /cries

I know why the world hates Christians and why I have even had poor opinions of them in the past… Christians do not represent Christianity, they represent what they want Christianity to be. For a pastor, it is the absolute rejection of anything outside their faith (or rather what they have created to be their faith). For a father, it is a box of chastity to place around his daughter and high social position to give to his son. To young people its an exciting world were every day has to have some sort of spiritual significance or they feel that God has forsaken them.
“There is no truth, there is only perception.” This piece of idiocy was uttered by Gustave Falubert. While the statement is in itself contradictory, it has a modicum of truth. Christians, in their minds (although I can imagine some have done this physically) have drawn on a sheet of paper 2 columns, one titled right (holy, righteous, etc) and one titles wrong (immoral, evil, and the like). Christians have systematically gone through life placing everything they see or do into these columns and what they come out with in the end is a long list of deeds that they judge themselves and (more importantly) the people around them with. The bibles tells us that some things are wholly wrong and that we should not do them but not everything in life can be polarized like this and everytime that a Christian holds me up to some list that they think makes them riteous, I don’t feel like I’m a lower person than they are I only feel pity for them. For they have yet to see what they have made themselves into.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5

Mark your confessions:
[] I’m afraid of the quiet
[x] I am really ticklish.
[] I’m afraid of the dark.
[] I’m afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[] I am homosexual.
[x] I believe in true love
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I’m sad
[x] I stayed out all night.
[] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news.
[] I own over 5 rap CDs
[] I love Disney movies.
[x] I am a sucker for pretty eyes
[] I don’t kill bugs.
[x]I curse once in a while.
[] I have “x”s in my screen name.
[x] I’ve slipped and fell in public.
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation.
[] I love Spam.
[x] I cook well. (well the things that I can cook I cook well)
[x] I have worn pajamas outside.
[] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[] Talked on a phone for 5 hours
[] I love Dr. Phil
[x] I love someone.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS….it’s fun
[x] I am self-conscious.
[x] I love to laugh
[x] I have tried alcohol.
[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis
[] I have tried a cigarette.
[] I have tried a cigar
[] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[] I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I have a few scars (I think I’m above the category of “a few”)
[x]I’ve been out of this country
[] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.

[x] I am not comfortable with being me.
[x] Gotten lost in the city.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[x] Had a serious injury
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[] Have kissed a stranger.
[x] Hugged a stranger
[x] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[x] Been in a fist fight.
[x] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] Made out in an elevator.
[x] Swore at your parents.
[] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[x] Gotten stitches.
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] Bitten someone
[x] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[] Crashed into a car.
[] Have been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[] Shoplifted.
[] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] Stole something from your job.
[] Gone on a blind date
[] Had a crush on a teacher/coach
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] Been to Europe
[] Slept with a co-worker.
[] Been married.
[] Gotten divorced.
[x] Saw someone/something dying
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[x] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a Plane
[] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] Thrown up in a bar.
[]Eaten sushi.
[] Been snowboarding.
[] Been skiing.
[x] Been ice skating.
[x] Cried in public
[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn’t have.
[x] Thought of someone almost 24/7
[x] Hated the world

8-Jan-2006

Emanuel literally translates to “God with us”. I find that very interesting.

truth (tr th)
n. pl. truths (tr th z, tr ths)

1. Conformity to fact or actuality.
2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
3. Sincerity; integrity.
4. Fidelity to an original or standard.
5. 1. Reality; actuality.
   2. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.

I would like to call everyone’s attention to definition 3. Sincerity; integrity. The brutal truth is a difficult beast. You can say it sincerely trying to divulge the entirety of something. You can say it with spite trying to hurt someone. You can maintain integrity by showing you have nothing to hide. You can lose your integrity by going too far. I suppose the truth isn’t just the truth, but the spirit behind it. As often as it has hurt someone, my honesty is almost never out of malcontent, but it might seem like it… I suppose we all have a fine line to walk. For those who care to read this, know that the full truth is only ever a question away if you feel I’m hiding something.

I must say at this very moment I am elated. Quite possibly, this is the happiest I’ve been and it is at least very close. I’m very scared at the moment as well, but that shall pass in time.

Classes kinda suck this quarter… not a single professor I like. I have 1 cheerleader and 4 eastern Europeans. Ironically, my teacher for my languages and automata class even speaks in broken English… I hold out hope for my electrical engineering teacher. His cold should soon pass.

“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself.”

I wonder, is there such a thing as being too honest? Obviously not telling untruths is not what I’m referring to. More or less I’m asking that are there things you shouldn’t say? I have a bad habbit of being brutally honest and extremely verbose about things… but is that always a good thing?

I’m very tired, I’m going to bed now.

1-Jan-2005

Happy New Years everyone!! Indeed, it was a very happy New Years for me.