“And God saw that it was good”

I find little redeeming value in guilt… especially the guilt I feel today. For a long time I tried to see a purpose in something (rather someone) but my internal war against it killed any hope therein. It is certainly over now, but I have to ask what price I paid. A resurrection was impossible and certainly not considered or wanted… so what was my cost? I sifted through my anger and when I calmed down tried to figure out why I was solemn. I wasn’t solemn… I felt guilty… but why? My words were poignant if not cruel. They were deliberate and attacking… seething with hate. A hate that I had cultivated and let grow inside for months. That was my price… a black mark on my soul… something that I can’t ask for forgiveness for because a part of me is happy it is done.

I am lonely as of late. Theresa has gone home to her parents for the summer cutting short a spring that went by too fast but seemed to last forever. There is a number of things now I wish I knew for sure… questions I was asking God a few months ago. We haven’t been together long but we’re already starting to realize the difficulties with me going off to work someone that isn’t close and her going to grad school… and then of course going to grad school myself… It really makes me sad to know I may not be able so see her very often for a couple years (or more).

School is still going well. We’re in the last two weeks of class so I’m happy the year is almost done. I only have 3 quarters left to graduate… almost unthinkable really. I do want to graduate, but I’m now getting a little uneasy about permanant employment… possibly because of the above. I have my hardest class (to my knowledge) this fall so it should be a light year.