When is normal not so normal?

I’m really good at a lot of things that tend to tear apart my life… self deprecation, self loathing, insecurity (yes despite my god complex), deep (read over) thought, curiosity, not to mention I’m plagued with a brain that only stops when I’ve had no sleep in better than 48 hours… the cure? Ironically something I normally exude without having. Confidence. I hate to admit it to the person who told me this months ago, but a lot of relationships is about confidence, at least the beginning of them is. The ability to (respectfully) put yourself out there, possibly to hang yourself, not only makes you feel good about yourself but helps in a lot of ways. Fortunately, I’ve stayed out of the gallows.

Simply put, I’m a really happy person lately. Without any outside influence (I know at least one of you will argue… but I’m going to ignore you). The realization of what some people tried to push on me for months finally happened. The idea that I’m “too good” for something (actually a few things), while I still hold isn’t entirely accurate in at least one situation, has really helped me resolve some issues I’d been having. I think most importantly I’ve gotten my drinking under control, 1 drink in the last 3+ weeks I think is an accomplishment.

I’m working on one last remnant of the above. Well, probably not the last but certainly one that needs to be done with. Anger is a funny thing. Deep seeded anger is worse. It sits deep inside you and grows into something vile and fetid. Sometimes you can even manage to ignore it and let someone feed it… in my case for  a couple months. Uprooting such a thing isn’t easy… but I think admitting that the problem is there is a decent start. I think that I also have to admit that this is somewhat self serving in more than mental health… I saw a quote a little while ago… “Love like you’ve never been hurt.” It’s incredibly bad advice and is terribly naive, but it has a modicum of merit in that you shouldn’t harbor bad feelings because its likely to corrupt everything that follows. Learn from your mistakes, don’t carry them with you. I’m far (…) from being in love, but why break something before it is made.

God is not cruel…

Just say that over and over again in your head and you might feel better… Any culture that believes in a god tends to attribute every good thing to that god… what then when something bad happens? Christians have this attitude that God is great and works wondrous miracles when ever something good happens and say “God works in mysterious ways” when something bad happens. I ask all of you… what of free will then? I submit that God does not cause things to happen, but he moves in you the proper emotions to lead you to the right decision… which we all have the choice to ignore. Christians have a warped sensibility some times. They say that God is the reason for all things, but then say that He wants everyone to choose Him as god and savior. Is there a choice if God really is the reason for all things? Why wouldn’t God instill that choice Himself? I don’t discount miracles, but I really thing a lot of Christians discount free will way too much.

That has a lot to do with what I’m thinking right now, but only in so far as seeking advice on something. The truth is… I can’t reconcile what I want, with what I need, with what I feel. The first is easy for me anymore (which from what I gather is a rare sort of thing), the second is known but partially ignored (at least from the point of view of the above discussion), and the third is convoluted at best and crystal clear at worst (why at worst? It makes the second null and void in a way that it shouldn’t). So… in a way I know what I want and (might) have a pretty good idea of what I feel… but is it what I need? [No comments from the peanut gallery —  pointing at Keith.]

Let me let go…

I really wish certain people read this and actually got the awful inside jokes and obscure personal references I use. That hope is most definitely an exercise in futility…

For the second time in my life, I have met someone who I will freely admit is more intelligent than I am. That is not to say I haven’t met many people who I would consider to be of higher intellect, I’m not that arrogant, but it is a rarity that I would say it since most of them are highly specialized people and can’t really hold an interesting conversation outside their particular area of interest. I find it funny that this person also happens to be my karmic punishment for my arrogance. A few weeks (maybe months) ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine and my ability to read and understand people (not groups, just individuals) came up… he told me that I would one day meet someone who I was completely unable to figure out… I wouldn’t say I’m completely unable… but she keeps me sufficiently confused (which I’m actually enjoying… even if it keeps me awkwardly off balance).

Why?

Rhetorical as that may be… its still a reasonable question. I swear, I find a little bit of happiness and inevitably something happens to take it away. I don’t do very well completely alone… but I’m about to figure out how do deal with it since I no longer have a roommate. Of course I probably have little right to be angry about that since the events leading up to the situation don’t really involve me (save the fact that I was likely the catalyst for the situation, which was guaranteed to happen with or without me), but just the same I’m not exactly excited about this.

Happy thought: This weekend should actually be pretty good. I was supposed to go home to see my parents (which is a little saddening that I’m not), but thats been overridden by a few things that I intend to thuroughly enjoy. The only thing I really have to worry about is keeping up on my reading for History and getting ready for my Chemistry and Macro-Economics midterms, which will likely be 10 page jokes for me anyway.