16-Nov-2007

I’ve opened this damned window about thirty times in the last week… but for some reason my mind goes into a deep freeze every time.

I’ve decided to accept Cisco’s offer so this time next year I’ll be off somewhere much warmer. Although, thats only about 90% certain. The Cisco offer isn’t iron clad and actually allows me to terminate any time since the benefits don’t happen until I actually start. Sadly… this decision hasn’t taken any of the stress away. I still have a lot to think about and some decisions to make and I’m going little nuts about it.

People keep telling me to “let God decide” or to “just give it to God”. I guess I have no conception of what that really means. God isn’t going to descend from Heaven flanked by all the angels just to put my life on track. I understand it all in the metaphorical and spiritual sense but the idea doesn’t translate well for me…

Ashes to ashes…

An uncle of mine is leaving the hospital tomorrow under hospice care. Please, send his family your prayers.

Whats that you say? Tumble weeds? Never.

My apologies again on the increasing gap (read fjord) between my entries.

Some comments:
-Life is not luxurious nor is it easy. Some would like to think that simply ignoring the bad will keep you happy or get you to where you’re going a little easier. In truth, it just propagates ignorance.
-Maturity is relative. To be honest, it can be relative to relative. It is all a matter of what your (most of the time narrow) window happens to be looking at.
-I’m neither ready for life nor maturity… but I don’t think I have a choice.

Somehow, I’m only taking 12 hours of classes, but I’m doing more work for them than I have done in quarters that I’ve taken 20 hours in. I’ll concede that all of my classes are engineering so a little more work is to be expected, but I really feel this is a little ridiculous. Other than the time on Sunday I take out for my family, I’m usually working on homework, grading, in class, programming, or writing some unnecessarily long report. I’m actually going to take a fair amount of time far myself tonight since for once I have no impending failure or catastrophe in some class. Although… I do have a midterm on Friday…

Decisions… Possible futures… I need a damned crystal ball… that actually works.

The voices are calling…

No don’t listen to the voices! But they’re so nice… NO! Don’t listen… But its so hard…

Apparently, the fact that I my thoughts are comprised of layered voices in my head is troublesome… to who I don’t know but I think its supposed to be me…

I sadly don’t have much to say. I know I haven’t updated in a while, but not much has changed. I have a couple classes I like, but thats about it… well, that and I got Cisco to improve their offer. I still can’t make a decision though and my own thoughts can’t even find a majority. I have this really, really sick feeling sometimes that this is that one huge “sink or swim” moment that you get in your life that defines everything from now until death… well, perhaps retirement.

A hall of mirros and life stands still

Deciding on how to begin my adult life is difficult, for lack of a better word. I could just say yes or no and get it over with. Just decide that this is the opportunity for me or that I absolutely can’t do it. I’ve done a lot of research in the last days to try and give me some justification one way or another. The thing is… I have a lot pulling me in both directions and I am completely unable to decide.

Life is. How’s that for a philosophical load of crap? Life is fluid motion. Its a river rushing down a mountain side. Its a quiet stream on a hazy day. Its a trickle in a water spout after a heavy rain. Its a stagnant pond growing moss. Its the ocean at high tide. Its the under-toe through some rocks. Its the riptide before a coming storm. Its a torrent through the night, never relenting…

Imagery aside… life is many things. For a while, I thought myself to be pretty mature. Not to any spectacular level mind you, but the last few years have taught me a lot of things about life and myself. Things that I didn’t want to learn, things that I probably tried to protect myself from which made them that much harder… Resisting the path God wants me on isn’t a good thing… The last week has shown me how truly immature and unprepared I really am. Even living life on my own, supporting myself in college has been a protected environment. Worse, my life is standing still waiting for something to happen… but everything looks the same.