Its nice to be forgotten.

Of the last 10 people to call my phone (that I actually answered the phone for), 3 are family and 7 are people who wanted something from me. I know I don’t call people often so I shouldn’t complain at all, but I’m amazed at how many people only call me/think about me when they need something that my particular skillset provides… and in one lovely case yesterday, I was called after all other people this person knew were exhausted. It just makes me tingle inside.

Well. I accomplished one of the 3 things that have been weighing heavily on me. At face value, it was a worthless endevor and the result was exactly as expected and indeed the reason I was affraid to do it. Now I’m asking myself (and this, especially the phrasing, is influence by something else) if I did the right thing by sending the letter. I suppose at the very least it was a way to really see the current state of things. I think worse, I admitted something to myself by sending the letter that I have to live with now, but I did that when I wrote the letter so I guess nothing has really been lost.

Life isn’t nearly as bad as my posts would make it seem. I’m the kind of person that tends to dwell. I’m actually quite happy. I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with my sister and nephew, which has been really amazing. There is a lot Tara and I don’t know about eachother, but the connection is great. Especially since my brother and I have never been close… yes, we’ll back eachother up when our backs are too the wall, but he and I are so different the only thing we have in common is drinking (and given the first half of this quarter, I’m cutting way back on that).

I finally told my dad in part how I feel about him. He didn’t take it too seriously and I don’t think he will ever make appologies where need, but that part of my history isn’t really important anymore. This is a big thing for me since I’ve been so resentful since my childhood that it has probably affected every friendship and relationship I’ve ever had.

Keith, despite his overbearing nature (when sharing his opinions about some things), has been an amazing friend. I don’t agree with him about a thing or two in my life, but he has given me so much perspective and at times walked through my own hell with me. However, if there is one person who always has been and is always there for me… it’s Mike. I couldn’t find a better friend if I tried for the rest of my life. Keith and Mike have really kept me sane and even more alive (emotionally I mean).

26-Oct-2006

“When I get where I’m going” – Brad Paisley

When I get where I’m going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I’m gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I’ll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
Don’t cry for me down here.

I’m gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he’ll match me step for step,
and I’ll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I’ll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can’t answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I’m going,
and I see my Maker’s face.
I’ll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I’m going.
Yeah when I get where I’m going.

I’m faulty…

Ok… I haven’t been introspective in a while and I’m sure you are all plenty fed up with my ambiguous and nonsensical posts, so lets have something more specific.

From a conversation with my sister: I  neither like nor accept embarassment in any situation. That includes asking for help, needing help, accepting advice, or admitting any other faults in myself (like being wrong for the one or two of you who I know are thinking it). I’m not so stubborn that I don’t do any of those things, it is just hard for me to do most of the time.

That, coupled with a complete aversion to failure, prevents me from doing some things and even casues me to do others… To me, this is one of the ultimate forms of cowardice… one of the few things I’m sure most people wouldn’t accuse me of. I chose that description intentionally because there is currently 3 things that I want (and in one case need) to do and I am a coward for not pursuing them. (Sorry for reverting to vague descriptions, but naming those things would be the same as doing them, at least in 2 of the cases.)

Perhaps disambiguating (at least partially) will be a start?… Have you ever written a letter with an inability to actually send it?

“This is the song that never ends…”

I have an infected ingrown toenail… its getting harder to walk… much less climb…

No word back from them yet, but I stand a good chance of living in Ft. Lauderdale for at least 3 months… could be longer.