“And God saw that it was good”

I find little redeeming value in guilt… especially the guilt I feel today. For a long time I tried to see a purpose in something (rather someone) but my internal war against it killed any hope therein. It is certainly over now, but I have to ask what price I paid. A resurrection was impossible and certainly not considered or wanted… so what was my cost? I sifted through my anger and when I calmed down tried to figure out why I was solemn. I wasn’t solemn… I felt guilty… but why? My words were poignant if not cruel. They were deliberate and attacking… seething with hate. A hate that I had cultivated and let grow inside for months. That was my price… a black mark on my soul… something that I can’t ask for forgiveness for because a part of me is happy it is done.

I am lonely as of late. Theresa has gone home to her parents for the summer cutting short a spring that went by too fast but seemed to last forever. There is a number of things now I wish I knew for sure… questions I was asking God a few months ago. We haven’t been together long but we’re already starting to realize the difficulties with me going off to work someone that isn’t close and her going to grad school… and then of course going to grad school myself… It really makes me sad to know I may not be able so see her very often for a couple years (or more).

School is still going well. We’re in the last two weeks of class so I’m happy the year is almost done. I only have 3 quarters left to graduate… almost unthinkable really. I do want to graduate, but I’m now getting a little uneasy about permanant employment… possibly because of the above. I have my hardest class (to my knowledge) this fall so it should be a light year.

8-May-2007

I am quite ready for school to be over. I’ve had 8 midterms this quarter with 2 remaining with a paper and large research project to do and it is quite draining. Good news though, I doing well in all of my courses, so I guess I’ll weather the storm for now.

So… North Carolina… I’m working for Cisco in a group that is doing automated networking to some degree. They are working on an application that collects information from routers for some statistical and configuration purposes. I’m not sure if I’m going to like the whole thing. It is starting to look like a data mining position which I had more than enough of at AEP.

Too many prayers to make…

… but God hears them all.

First, to the the families of the VA Tech students lost last week. It is no comfort in this place, but your children are much better off in the next world than this one. Second, to my friend Maaz. I’m not sure if I can equate your pain to anything I have felt and I know your doctrine says you only have three days, but I pray for your understanding and acceptance of what has happened. Third, the many silent prayers I must make today… some selfish, some not.

Theresa and I have known each other for better than four months now. We’ve been together for a few weeks less. In that time we’ve only had one real argument that made either of us angry (neither of us were angry… I think her word – “disappointed” – was much better). A lot of times in a relationship, I (and I think most) are “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. Its nice to not even have the first hit the floor for once.

Lots of tests coming up… Monster of a history exam tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Edit: P.S. I’m definitely working for Cisco in NC for the summer. More details some other time.

Many thanks…

I thank you for those who sent my grandfather your thoughts and prayers. It was bacterial pneumonia, which while not being a good thing is significantly better than the almost certain death of congestive heart failure. The doctors gave my grandfather every anti-biotic they have and he is improving. No guarantees of course, but I think we all get another chance.

Now I can deal with my dad, or rather not deal with my dad. Apparently it is my fault that Theresa’s mom invited mine to Easter dinner without my knowledge and completely without my help and that somehow also translates into rage against me… I’ll grant him that I completely avoided telling him of the situation, but he has to acknowledge that had I told him the situation would have been worse (in a different way) in that he would have complained about my mother to me for hours which he knows angers me to no end. I’m not entirely sure how to deal with this. I’m normally ok with (even if its grudgingly) trying to make things right with him… but this time I did nothing to bring this myself (usually I have some hand in the problems he has with me). Out of sheer anger I was ready to just not talk to him and completely avoid any contact, but that would just make this worse… At the same time I can not capitulate when there is no cause for his anger towards me (thats not to say I don’t understand his anger, but it is directed at the wrong person).

One day I’ll be able to live without some catastrophe bearing down on me… Yes yes… melodramatic… At least I don’t act like I’m 4.

Yesterday was not a good day…

I ask for your prayers and good thoughts for my grandfather today. My mother called me yesterday to inform me that my grandfather was taken by ambulance to Akron City for respiratory failure. They asked his wife to leave the hospital for the day while they ran tests to figure out if it was congestive heart failure or pneumonia that was the cause. Either way it doesn’t sound like he is going to be leaving the hospital this time. I may be going up in the middle of the week to see him (and hopefully mend open wounds) or depending on the next few days pay my respects to the man who was as much a father to me (and sometimes more so) than my own.