Something like that…

So that one thing that could ruin my great mood… of course it happened. That’s just how my life goes. Go ahead and not read this… I don’t have anyone to yell at so I’m just going to rant here.

You lied to me. I don’t care how you want to say it or dress it up, you did lie to me… by your own words you even betrayed my trust in something you wanted. Trust is a precious thing… so hard to find, so easy to lose. Sometimes the truth hurts for everyone because you want it to be something different, but trying force it to change when you know it can’t only builds things so it hurts more.

In the end I was right. I saw this coming and knew it would happen… just didn’t happen when  I expected it to. I even knew what was going to be said… not word for word but the meaning anyway. Serves me right for trying to hold on to something that was out of my reach.

Now I’m just pissed at Him. Most of my questions have now been answered. There is no misunderstanding that this thing is done for good… so why did this have to happen. I’m sure I’m the one who is screwing my own life up all the time, but why the hell did this even start? Was it for her… so she could learn something? At my expense? I could have accepted this pretty simply a week ago, but now after giving me a part of what I wanted… which is a dumb statement considering I wasn’t really sure exactly what I wanted, but none the less it still doesn’t make sense. I have to ask, why can’t I just live and be happy for a little while? Am I doing something so terribly wrong in my life that I deserve to just be unhappy? I was doing pretty good before this whole thing started and of course it has to cause me more grief than I really want to deal with… and then it blows up just as I find my sister so now I can’t really even enjoy that? I think I’d prefer to be eaten by crows then be damned to this existence. I don’t think I’m going to go to church this weekend.

Wishing on a star…

Out in the “country” last night I was astonished to look up and see only one star for a moment… I was reminded of a rhyme I learned when I was younger… “Star light star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.” I had a nice memory for a second of when I was really little (before I moved for the first time when I was 5), I lied down in the middle of the caldesack at night and watched the stars. That moment passed and I continue to blow stuff up… but none the less it was a good moment.

Nothing has been able to phase my mood. I did let one thing start to get to me, but that was my own stupidity which I quickly did away with. I’m so excited, I’m going to try and meet my sister on Tuesday for dinner. I also got to see pictures of my nephew today.

I’m still thoroughly confused about something and want to scream (not because I’m angry, just… I have a lot damned up inside right now) and ask a lot of questions. I’m patient (I know at least one person is laughing at that) and I can take small steps… as long as they lead in the “right” direction… this will confuse someone else and I’m sure cause some questions… I just have to figure out what the “right” direction is.

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I still have lots of questions and am still thoroughly confused, but I’ll take what I can get.

I got to talk to her today! It was really unfortunate timing though. I had a co-op/intern lunch in Gahana today so I couldn’t talk long when she called, but I have her phone number now and I can call!

5-Jul-2006

I am absolutely ecstatic… I haven’t felt this good in far too long! I haven’t slept in 4 days (minus a small nap last night and 2 days ago) so I’m sure some of this is just lucidity, but there is only one thing that can ruin my mood (ignoring unforeseeable tragedies) and that isn’t going to happen.

Are you ready for this? I found my sister! After 3 years of stalkerish research (without knowing where to search), I found her. Ok… so I don’t think I’ve ever posted about this so I’ll give a little background. When I was 6, a girl came to my door on Christmas Eve and asked to see her dad. I don’t think its hard to imagine that a 6 year old was more than confused. It was a sore spot with my mom so my brother and I were sent to our rooms and the girl was gone the next morning without any explanation. When I was 16 or so, my cousin Jill let it slip that I had a half sister and thats who the girl at the door was. So, shortly after I left for college, I started a search for her. It wasn’t anything very strong, just people searches and property and phone searches. About 2 months ago, I got some of my aunts to ask my dad about my sister and I found out she had aunts and uncles in Ohio. When I got home from Memorial Day weekend I immediately started searching for them in the last locations my dad knew them to be in. I found 2 uncles, 1 in Ohio and 1 in LA. Unfortunately neither of them answered their phones for a few weeks and the one in Ohio didn’t have an answering machine. Well, my dad was down last night to visit and he got me interested again so I ran a property search for all of Deleware county on just the last name (originally I ran it with the first name or the uncle too). This time I found one of my sisters aunts, who did answer the phone. I had a misconception about what some records meant (I don’t know tax law) but I did get to talk to her for like half an hour. Turns out that my sister lives in the greater Columbus area. She isn’t in Ohio right now, she’s in CA visiting her grandmother, but she comes back tonight and I should hopefully get to talk to her tomorrow.

Still more along with that… I’m an uncle to a 4 year old boy! I don’t know any more than that other than my sister used to live in Hawaii and is married, both of which are reasons I wasn’t able to just find her originally.

There is also other news completely aside from all of the above “helping” in my mood today. Although, I’m not really sure whats going on.

Edit: what the deuce? You can rate your content??? Does it allow for internet filtering anyone know?

Confusion is key…

I think I’ve created a giant mess for myself. I’m sure most of my friends will be “happy” with me since I’ve decided not to wait around any longer… but all the same I don’t know what will happen if I do ever get an answer.

Today was kind of sad. I wish I was able to do what I had been planning, but that wasn’t exactly possible.