God is dead.-Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead.-God

The actual text is far less amusing and reads as nothing more than the ramblings of a madman… but then again, Nietzche calls the character a madman in the novel anyway. There is, however, some truth in what Nietzche had so say. His comments weren’t meant to be literal, Nietzhe did not mean to say that God was and is no longer, he meant that God is dead in our society… which in a lot of places is absolutely true. I’m not a naive person nor am I inexperienced with the world, but it comes as a surprise (and disappointment) to me to find how many people choose not to believe in God. In my conversations with some… its only because believing that God is real poses a major moral obstacle to how they live their life. Believing in God (rightfully) gives you a moral compass and sets boundaries in your life that they don’t want to live with. The funny thing is… Christians sometimes stumble (and fall) more often than those who choose to ignore God (probably because we supress urges that we aren’t suppose to have without having a form or release)… we just feel guilty about it.

I get meet my nephew today! If I weren’t so incredibly bored at work I would be amazingly excited. Hopefully I get to learn some more about Tara tonight to.

“Be careful what you wish for… it might come true.” Despite the fact that I was complaining about my week being boring, I was actually a little happy about it since I’ve been out most nights for the last 2 weeks. Unfortuanately, circumstances intervened and now I’m busy all week… except Friday… why is it always Friday?

As an aside… I’m starting really hate country music… its not bad… just…

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

I did something that I’m really not proud of and kinda makes me nauseous. [Dare I forget that people read this… don’t ask, if I want you to know I’ll tell you.]

I don’t know why, but the power in my bedroom and computer room is off. I’ve check the fuse box and any connection points I could find, and there is nothing seemingly wrong. It is very obnoxious to have to go buy extension cables and run them across the hallway so I can have light in my bedroom.

This week will be very boring. I don’t have much in the way of things to do (except Monday and Thursday). I suppose I at least won’t spend much money.

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

13-Jul-2006

I finally got to meet Tara (my sister) last night. I was surprisingly not nervous. I really thought I was going to be but for some reason I was very comfortable with the whole situation. We had dinner at the Olive Garden and were there for like 2 hours. I think it would have been longer (there’s like 21 years of catching up to do) but she had to pick up her son who was at a friend’s house… I guess 8pm is a little late to be out for a 4 year old. Next week I’m going to have dinner at her house (she’s making dinner for me) and I get to meet my nephew… that still amazes me that I’m an uncle.

I am incredibly happy that we got to meet and more so that things went well, but I had a hard time enjoying last night for two reasons. First, I didn’t get to learn much about her beyond where she’s been and what she does. I suppose thats ok, I’m a pretty open person about my past so maybe she was just more comfortable learning about me before giving me a lot about herself. Second, I’m pretty open about my past… I’m still incredibly pissed off about some things and hurt about some others and it really wouldn’t have been good of me to just hide it all, especially since she asked me the questions directly. So last night I was reliving (at least in part) some things I hated from my childhood, some of the bigger events in my life (which for most people the big events are the crappy ones), and the entire last 2 years of my life (which there are definitely some things in there I would prefer to not remember much less give a detailed telling of). Tara was pretty funny about one thing though… she got really protective for a second and almost offered to go slap someone for me.

I haven’t quite figured out how to go about talking to my Dad. Jill keeps offering to do it for me, but I think I should be the one to since I did find Tara and have been the one talking to her. I just don’t know how he’ll take it. I can’t imagine he’ll be upset that I’ve been talking to her, but I don’t know if he’ll want to talk to her. He told Jill that he would love to talk to Tara be he wouldn’t make the effort to find her. Tara says that she has some mixed feelings and that he has to be the one to initiate conversation (I agree with Tara by the way). I think I’m going to wait a week until I can go back up north again so I can talk to him in person.

For the 2nd time in my life I understand why people say they need time to think about something. I think the phrase is over used because somethings don’t require a lot of thought, but there are some things that really do need time to be worked out on a conscious level. I do, however, think that in situations like this, its better to talk with someone about it because a lot of the time thoughts are redundant and unproductive. Unfortunately for me right now, the more I talk about it and think about it the more angry I get… although its not helping that no one has told me that I shouldn’t be angry or that I’m not thinking about this the right way. I suppose I could just go on being angry and never really deal with this situation, but that would cause me to lose something that I’m not really willing to give up on.

My plans for Friday night were canceled (sigh… women) so if you’re bored call me.

Something like that…

So that one thing that could ruin my great mood… of course it happened. That’s just how my life goes. Go ahead and not read this… I don’t have anyone to yell at so I’m just going to rant here.

You lied to me. I don’t care how you want to say it or dress it up, you did lie to me… by your own words you even betrayed my trust in something you wanted. Trust is a precious thing… so hard to find, so easy to lose. Sometimes the truth hurts for everyone because you want it to be something different, but trying force it to change when you know it can’t only builds things so it hurts more.

In the end I was right. I saw this coming and knew it would happen… just didn’t happen when  I expected it to. I even knew what was going to be said… not word for word but the meaning anyway. Serves me right for trying to hold on to something that was out of my reach.

Now I’m just pissed at Him. Most of my questions have now been answered. There is no misunderstanding that this thing is done for good… so why did this have to happen. I’m sure I’m the one who is screwing my own life up all the time, but why the hell did this even start? Was it for her… so she could learn something? At my expense? I could have accepted this pretty simply a week ago, but now after giving me a part of what I wanted… which is a dumb statement considering I wasn’t really sure exactly what I wanted, but none the less it still doesn’t make sense. I have to ask, why can’t I just live and be happy for a little while? Am I doing something so terribly wrong in my life that I deserve to just be unhappy? I was doing pretty good before this whole thing started and of course it has to cause me more grief than I really want to deal with… and then it blows up just as I find my sister so now I can’t really even enjoy that? I think I’d prefer to be eaten by crows then be damned to this existence. I don’t think I’m going to go to church this weekend.

Wishing on a star…

Out in the “country” last night I was astonished to look up and see only one star for a moment… I was reminded of a rhyme I learned when I was younger… “Star light star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.” I had a nice memory for a second of when I was really little (before I moved for the first time when I was 5), I lied down in the middle of the caldesack at night and watched the stars. That moment passed and I continue to blow stuff up… but none the less it was a good moment.

Nothing has been able to phase my mood. I did let one thing start to get to me, but that was my own stupidity which I quickly did away with. I’m so excited, I’m going to try and meet my sister on Tuesday for dinner. I also got to see pictures of my nephew today.

I’m still thoroughly confused about something and want to scream (not because I’m angry, just… I have a lot damned up inside right now) and ask a lot of questions. I’m patient (I know at least one person is laughing at that) and I can take small steps… as long as they lead in the “right” direction… this will confuse someone else and I’m sure cause some questions… I just have to figure out what the “right” direction is.